The Poop Hug: A First Farewell To Diapers

This morning, my barely two-year-old loudly proclaimed to anyone within earshot her urgent need to “go poop”. While she is far from potty trained, she had been shouting this empty poop promise for days. Her follow through was seriously lacking because I had yet to witness the elusive poop that she so frequently spoke of. Despite my suspicion that this was just another fire drill, I scooped her up and ran to the bathroom.

As soon as she hit the toilet seat, I could tell things were different. She was slightly panicked. She avoided eye contact, leaned forward, wrapped her arms tightly around my neck in an awkward hug and went completely silent. You could have heard a pin drop, or in this case, poop drop. Because that is exactly what happened.  My kid had just pooped in the potty. Holy shit.

While I was proudly wrapped up there with her in our first of many poop hugs to come, two things came to mind. First, I immediately realized that I had absolutely no idea how to effectively wipe a kid’s ass. How in the holy hell does this work? Do I wipe it while she’s sitting there or standing up? Am I really going to have to ask someone this? Second, I knew some time in the very near future I’d be changing my last diaper.

I happily celebrated my little poop queen’s coronation, seated high on her porcelain throne, but I have to confess, I am far from excited about this. Proud? Definitely. Excited? Not so much.

I’m happy my little one is becoming more independent, but I am in absolutely no rush to give up diapers. Call me crazy, but I’m going to miss them. Over the past two years, I’ve become a diaper ninja of sorts. I can discreetly swap out a dirty diaper in seconds. I’m fairly confident I could change a diaper one handed and blindfolded. I’ve changed diapers at 30,000 feet, on boats, in the trunk of cars, in strollers, standing up. Pretty much everywhere but the dinner table. I’ve wiped the gamut of craps from every conceivable crevice. I’ve managed mustard-colored blowouts, and gagged through the nastiest of shits that accompanied my kid’s first solid foods. Diapers are my way of life.

Yes, diapers are expensive and kind of a disgusting pain in the ass, but who can deny their convenience? As things are now, I don’t have to rush to find a bathroom in an amusement park before my kid pees down her leg nor do I have to speed to find the closest pubic restroom, thirty miles from the nearest rest area when she is ready to literally lose her shit on a road trip. Right now, she just craps her pants and we worry about it a little later. Done deal. Am I missing something? Because I’d pick a diaper over that other shit any day. Diapers rock.

Let’s also note that most public bathrooms are absolutely nauseating, and the thought of being forced to take my kid into a port-a-potty is what my nightmares are made of. I’d rather deal with my own kid’s poop than deal with other people’s and the fear of my child touching anything in a public restroom. But, this is my new reality. I may not be ready for it, but tough shit I guess.

I haven’t really pushed potty training because I figured when she was ready she would let me know. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon. I will of course be my child’s biggest cheerleader during this new phase in her life. I would never discourage her in her quest to conquer incontinence. I’m just going to kind of miss diapers.

I’m sure potty training isn’t going to be as bad as I imagine. Before long, she’ll have this down. The accidents will subside, and I’ll wonder what the hell I was so worried about. She will be a big kid who no longer needs my help. Maybe that’s the real problem. Maybe I’m going to miss diapers because once they are gone, they are gone forever. I will never again see that little diapered butt toddling around the house. And there’s just something about a pair of cartoon character underwear that says, You’re losing your baby. One flush at a time.

20 thoughts on “The Poop Hug: A First Farewell To Diapers

  1. Oh Mama… This is just the first of many milestones… My Babygirl started college in January. Graduated EARLY from high school (because she’s clearly trying to kill me with emotion!)
    As long as she lives home and goes to the community college, I can pretend that she’ll never leave home for just a little while longer… but the day is not far off, I know.

    You’ll survive this, I promise. And one day, it will get easier and you’ll wonder why you ever clung to diapers… but every time you have to buy the next size up in cartoon undies… well just cherish buying them. Some day they turn their nose up at cartoons and go for the bikinis that say “pink” across the butt or *gasp* thongs (*shudder* Thankfully that curiosity lasted precisely as long as it took her to realize that having a bit of string tucked up your crack is the least comfortable thing on the planet.)

    And one day your little boy (if you happen to have one) won’t let you buy his underwear anymore, and will instead ask to be given the money and allowed to choose his own. *sigh* (I damn near bought a set of child-sized TMNT undies that day just out of nostalgia… if it wouldn’t be considered weird and uber creepy, I probably would have!) lol

    But you know what? No matter how tall they get (even if they get taller than you and his shoes come with paddles because he wears a size 15 men’s now!!!), and how far away they may move (Her boyfriend lives in CALIFORNIA. Who allowed that anyway???), they will ALWAYS be your babies. ❤

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  2. Oh yes welcome to freedom…
    That is the beggining of the road and the first step forward to an unending freedom for your baby.
    The question is, will you hand-off and sit back to allow this journey, a long road called freedom to be smooth for you both or are you going to run along panting or are you going to walk side by side and allow a smooth transition to her total freedom when due?

    I really love the scene where both of you created, ‘a poo-hug’.
    I could not help forwarding it to my son and his wife… who need to share that moment with you in their struggle to make their18 months old boy a diaper-free little guy.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I couldn’t help laughing while reading your post. It is spot on – and I always had a weakness for “potty humour”. My son was almost four before he donned his diapers and I don’t miss them! Of course I still have many diapers to change before my daughter of 10 months is over that s***! I too am a member of the exclusive community of diaper ninjas. I broke my glasses within four weeks of my son’s birth and, because I preferred using contact lenses during the day, didn’t care to by new glasses and changed his diapers in the dark – it really made no difference if the light was on or off.

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  4. I remember potty training. All excitement and sadness xause it marks them growing up. There are many more firsts to come though. My son is 11 and hes already getting up there but i take each day at a time. Im in no rush to have him grow up yet.

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  5. She’s only 4 months old, but I’ve already said that I’m in no rush for her to be out of diapers. I don’t understand why so many loathe them. We have some of the cutest moments while I’m changing her diaper (her grabbing my arm or my face and smiling at me). I’ve been told that I’ll feel differently about diapers when she is able to reach down and grab her poop! 😛

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  6. I enjoyed reading your post! It’s an absolutely huge milestone for baby, and yes never thought that I would miss the sight of her diapered bum bum haha! Although my 2 yr old sometimes uses the potty excuse to get out of a naptime. I wonder if yours does too and how you handle it? I try not to get overly upset about it but sometimes I just lose control and get angry with her telling a lie!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My son is almost 3 and is potty training and I feel the same way. I want him to be independent but I also want him to still be a baby. I know I have lots more milestones to go so I have to let him grow up 😦 Motherhood is the most challenging and wonderful thing ever!

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